


what i want and what i need are two different things

by riverplato



Category: Twin Peaks
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Ignores Season 3, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, No more BOB - imagine everything went to plan in the lodge, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post Season 2, Post-Canon Fix-It, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:33:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25086967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riverplato/pseuds/riverplato
Summary: Everything is returning to normal in Twin Peaks, BOB and the Black Lodge are a thing of the past yet Dale Cooper is still recovering and struggling with his feelings for his best friend.
Relationships: Dale Cooper/Harry Truman
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> i havent posted fanfiction since 2017 but i loved twin peaks and these boys so much that i returned to it. since i mainly do pretentious original fiction, this is in my style which draws heavily on stream on consciousness. i think david lynch would be happy with that. i hope you enjoy it anyway :)

Dale caught him staring again across the booth, he raised his eyebrow at Harry and slightly narrowed his eyes in an expression of confusion. Harry retaliated a similar look, wanting to appear as if he had no idea what Dale was confused about. Their silent conversation was interrupted by the arrival of plates, cherry pie naturally. Norma gave Dale a warm smile, everyone did these days, his hardships had become common knowledge in the town of Twin Peaks, while the supernatural extent remained a mystery, it was common knowledge that Dale Cooper had seen some shit. Those already friendly with Dale were very kind and respectful and went out of their way to make his adjustment to normality as smooth as possible. Norma gave him extra cream and a discount, Lucy and Andy checked in on him and let him spend time with Wally, and Harry gave him all of his attention, they all had different ways of helping out. Harry wanted to be a pillar in Dale’s new life, a figure of consistency. He let Dale stay at his house, his previous residency of the Great Northern felt too vulnerable and too lonely, he took Dale to the station, and he drove him to the diner when he could so they could share a nice meal. He wanted to protect Dale and make sure nothing so horrible ever befell him again, because that’s what friends do, good friends, and that was the extent of his relationship to Dale.

Dale’s recovery was going well but he still had a long way to go, Harry thought he’d been discharged from the hospital too early. He was getting parts of his personality back, was getting less skittish and was beginning to be more vocal about how things had unfolded, especially the state of his nightmares. Despite the pain Dale had endured, he found relaxation in parts of his old life, Harry loved the content expression he held as he sipped a cup of “damn good coffee”, (a phrase that was just more subdued now, yet still very true), or how excited he was when he first held Wally. There were slithers of the real Coop returning, and Harry held on to them.

“Thank you, Norma. Great pie!” Dale said cheerily, snapping Harry out of his daydream.  
“Thank you.” Harry mirrored, giving her a happy nod. He returned his gaze to Dale. It still felt unnatural to see him in something other than his pristine suit, yet Dale’s casual attire fitted him well, he looked like a true Twin Peaks man, at home in the forest. This was probably due to the fact that he was wearing Twin Peaks clothing, the red flannel shirt belonged to Harry, it was worn and rugged, opposed to the brown sweater atop it, an item from Dale’s own collection, that was abnormally clean. The man had suffered a recent traumatic effect yet from his outward appearance one wouldn’t expect a thing. But that was the thing about Cooper, even when he was in his hospital bed, recovering from the horrors of the Black Lodge, Harry still thought he was beautiful. Hell, everyone thought Dale Cooper was beautiful, whether or not they found him attractive, it was just one of those shared truths. When Dale first arrived in Twin Peaks, his charming personality and good looks worked on everyone, most of all Harry. Harry was a friendly co-worker and followed along with whatever he said, after all, he was FBI, yet he felt this pang in his stomach whenever he smiled or even entered a room, Harry, in his confusion, assigned this feeling to just an example of jealously. Cooper was incredibly looking _and_ in a superior position to Harry, jealously was a natural assumption. But Harry didn’t want to be a Special Agent, he loved Twin Peaks and loved being its Sheriff. He knew this, yet the pang endured. And when Annie came to town, and Dale naturally gained an attachment, it deepened. Which confused Harry even more. He didn’t want to be FBI, he was happy, he didn’t want to date Annie; he had Josie, sort of, and he didn’t like blondes anyway, he liked dark hair and dark eyes and confidence and, it clicked for him. It was like solving a murder, there’s an answer but the victims still dead because in a small town, realising you want another man is a sort of condemnation, a realisation that you’re destined to be heartbroken and lonely. Especially when that man was Dale Cooper, who even had a handsome name, who was beautiful, talented and driven, and if he opened his heart to love again he could have anyone he wanted. Harry just wished that what Dale wanted was him, and not Annie, who was sweet but she had no knowledge of what Dale’s life was really like, all the horrible things he’d seen in the bureau, Harry knew about death, and what it was like to have to investigate it. Annie was too naïve for Dale. Really Harry just wanted a better reason to feel distasteful towards their relationship, after all, she was a nice girl, he just didn’t want his personal stake in it to be revealed.

“Harry you look very deep in thought,” Dale said, placing his fork down. Throughout their friendship, Dale had come to know Harry incredibly well and could tell that something was troubling him from the slightest change in his behaviour.  
Harry brushed it off, “It’s nothing,” as if he could possibly reveal the thoughts brewing in his mind to his dear friend.  
“You can tell me anything, Harry.” Dale’s voice was sincere, his eyes softened for a moment Harry even considered giving up his secret.  
“It’s really nothing Coop.” He slid his nervous hands into his coat pockets. Dale ate his final forkful of pie. “You done?”  
“I am.” Harry rose from his seat, paid and tipped Norma with a smile and opened the door for Dale.  
“You don’t have to do that you know.” Dale looked up slightly at Harry.  
“I don’t do it cause you’re recovering,” Dale winced at the word. “I do it cause it’s polite.” Harry’s honourable nature comforted him. They walked to Harry’s truck and he again opened the door for his friend.

It was foolish of Dale to think that Harry was merely pitting him, Harry had always been kind, his earnest heart and good intentions were what drew Dale to him the first place. He was a trustworthy man, a good friend and an excellent Sheriff. That’s what Dale liked about him so much, that’s what everyone liked about Harry, yet Dale got to see it on a deeper level. He saw how Harry prepared breakfast when Dale was over (even if it wasn’t any good), and he had often woken up in Harry’s bed despite falling asleep on his couch or in his car. It amazed Dale how much he cared. As they drove back to Harry’s house, Dale turned his gaze to Harry, who’s careful eyes were on the road. Dale couldn’t remember when he began to love Harry or even like him, he was a respected co-worker, then a good friend and then suddenly the most important thing in Dale’s life.

It was still early evening, light enough for the road to be fully visible, something that comforted Dale. He loved Twin Peaks, but the Washington forests that were once so tranquil and beautiful now conjured memories of his descent into the Black Lodge. BOB was defeated and Dale was cleansed of him, yet he could still picture the veil into that world appearing amongst any of those trees. Harry turned into his driveway, careful to make sure that the transition from asphalt to dirt wasn’t too bumpy for Dale.

Once inside, Harry opened his fridge and returned clasping a single beer bottle, already confident that Dale wouldn’t want one, being intoxicated made him vulnerable. They sat on his couch, with the television blabbering in front of them, playing out a rerun of a show neither of them were watching. They were sitting close, not touching but in each other’s orbit. Harry kept glancing at him, savouring the memory before going back for another look. He loved how Dale looked in his home, his face was relaxed and his hair messy, he leant back into the couch rather than sitting in the professional way he did at the station, his hazel eyes were focused and blooming. He looked like he belonged. Harry tried not to get caught up in the dream of domesticity, but it was hard when Dale looked so damn good.

“Why do you keep checking on me?” Dale said with an accusatory tone.  
“What?”  
“You keep looking at me.” Harry felt alarm bells go off in his head, he was good at talking to people at work, how was it so hard to think of a quick lie for Dale?  
“No, I’m not.” Alright, it was easy to think of a quick lie, but a good one was a different story.  
“Harry, I’m safe here.” It felt good for Dale to say it to himself. “You don’t have to worry.”  
“I’m sorry,” Harry muttered, looking back at the television, and tried to remember what was happening in the episode.

Harry had another drink, then as the moon rose fell asleep on the couch. His head slumped against Dale, who wasn’t sure what to do. He definitely didn’t want to move. He looked down at Harry, with his eyes closed he looked so peaceful, it relaxed Dale. He wasn’t tired himself so he just continued to look upon Harry, relieved that he had a moment to do so without fear that Harry would know. It felt almost unfair to Harry, to be gazed at with such longing and not know it, a longing that could disgust him. Dale’s focus was entirely on Harry, and with such love in his heart, memories of BOB and the lodge slipped from his mind.

His moment of peace was disrupted, a thunderous scampering echoed through the house. Dale felt his breath seize up, he hated getting anxious like that, hyperventilating triggered his asthma. The loud noise woke Harry.  
“Damn raccoons,” Harry mumbled sleepily. “Sorry Coop. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”  
“It’s fine Harry.”  
“I’ll go chase away those animals, I hope it didn’t scare you too much.” He spoke with such kindness in his voice.  
“Go do what you have to do.”

When Harry returned, Dale felt himself getting weary.  
“I believe its time for bed, it's getting late and I’m suddenly feeling very tired,” Dale announced as he walked through the door. Harry loved how he laid importance on each word.  
“Go on then.” Harry gestured to his room, and Dale reluctantly climbed into bed.  
“Harry, you know how I feel about taking your bed after all this is your home, not mine.” Despite his words, Dale did love sleeping in Harry’s bed, the sheets held his scent.  
“But this is your home.” A moment of silence passed between them. Many a thought churned through Dale’s mind.  
“Would you sleep with me tonight? I’ve been struggling these past few nights and I think a figure of comfort would help me greatly.”  
Harry felt blessed. “Of course.” He reminded himself of the situation. “I’m here to help you anytime.”  
“Thank you, Harry.”  
Harry changed and then got into bed beside him. He kept his distance, and laid like a corpse, trying to resist every burning temptation to intertwine his body with Dale’s.  
“Goodnight Coop, sweet dreams.” Harry met his eyes.  
“Goodnight Harry, thank you.” It was a general thank you, _thank you for caring for me, thank you for sleeping by my side, thank you for wishing sweet dreams upon a man burdened by nightmares._

Harry had been restless for most of the night, but as soon as Dale rolled over to cuddle him, and it was cuddling, he felt jolted awake. Dale’s skin was very cold which was one of the reasons. Harry also felt incredibly guilty, Dale wasn’t conscious, he wasn’t aware of what moves he was making, and yet Harry was profiting from them. He was probably just dreaming of Caroline or Annie or anyone that wasn’t Harry and acting on it. However, it was comfortable, to have Dale clinging to him for comfort, to have one of his arms resting onto his chest. It was nice. He wondered when he’d become such a hopeless romantic. He knew he couldn’t stay in silence forever, that in the morning Dale would have to move and they’d either have to talk about it or act like nothing ever happened. Either prospect was horrible.

Dale slept the best he had in weeks, he awoke well-rested! However, he also awoke spooning his best friend. He shut his eyes, afraid that if he was conscious he would be guilty. But Harry was so warm and soft, no wonder he’d slept so well, it was like having another pillow in the bed. After a few moments of bliss he heard and felt Harry yawn, he slowly retracted his arm and acted like he’d been sleeping normally all this time.

“Morning Coop,” Harry grumbled as he rolled over. Their faces were so close.  
“Good morning.”  
“I’ll go make some coffee.”  
“Okay.” Dale didn’t know what to say, which was strange for him. Instead, he just watched Harry leave the room, wishing that every morning was similar.


	2. ii

With Harry attending to his duties as Twin Peaks' Sheriff, Dale was left home alone. He found ways to entertain himself. It did Dale good to have something to put his mind to, something to work on and through his desires for Harry, Dale created a plan of sorts. There was part A, which was: find any excuse to get back in bed with Harry. It helped him sleep better. Part B was to confess what he was feeling, for better or for worse Harry was going to know the love he felt. He mulled over these thoughts while Harry was at work. In his absence, he could comfortably speak aloud. His tape recorder had always been a crutch and even more so in his recovery. He filled cassettes with his nightmares and worries, yet his feelings for Harry were expelled from this practice. Back when he was residing at the Great Northern, the words could flow freely, and listening back to he could begin to piece together the trajectory of his blossoming feelings. Dale was good at doing that, he was a Special Agent after all. Those tapes recorded in solitude were mainly concerned with Laura Palmer at first but in retrospect, he could pick up on the praises given to Harry. Dale sat on the edge on the bed and clicked on his recorder:

“Diane, 11:45 AM, May 15th. My adoration for one Sheriff Truman is becoming too much. I can’t go on without him not knowing, its selfish, and in the slim possibility that he feels the same, it is limiting. I’m prepared for rejection, but I know we won’t go our separate ways. Harry is a good man with a kind heart- he’s a good friend. He’ll love me regardless, but I don’t believe it’ll be the way I want.” He drew a sharp breath. 

“I’ve completely fallen for him and I want him in my life, in whatever way he wants.” 

He stopped recording; he felt a lot better now that his thoughts weren’t just contained to his head. Although addressed to her, Diane wouldn’t receive that tape, however just saying her name brought him immense comfort and a sense of familiarity in this new situation. Dale had known men before; he’d had secretive encounters and fleeting affairs. Nothing had been the way it had been with Harry though. He had a strong, genuine relationship with Harry, one formed on respect and care, Harry wasn’t just some city boy he could love and leave. He’d caught himself daydreaming about living with Harry and growing old, such foolish thoughts that he wasn’t sure he’d given to his previous flames. 

The door creaked open and footsteps followed. Dale was met with relief that he stopped recording when he did as he saw Harry lingering in the doorway. 

“Sorry. Forgot lunch.” Harry explained as he reached for a small package of foil. 

“Are you going to eat at the station?” 

“I could eat here.” Harry took his sandwiches, turkey and cheese, to the where Dale was. Unwrapped it and gave one of the halves to Dale. “How have you been holding up?”

“It’s been a good morning Harry,” Dale said with a smile on his face. “I’m feeling great.” 

“I’m glad Coop.” 

Dale wasn’t sure what to say as he ate, he normally knew exactly what to say and how to talk to people. Harry got in the way of that, he was distracting, it was a surprise that Dale ever got any work done at all. 

“Thanks for your company but I’ve gotta head back. It’s been a busy day.” Harry said suddenly as he stood up. 

“Likewise.”

“You’ve been busy?”

“No, I’m thankful for your company.”

“I’m messing with you Coop. See you later.” Harry grinned as he left. Dale laid back, that was smile was going to be the death of him. 

Harry felt like he’d gotten away with a crime. He didn’t need to leave his lunch at home for an excuse to see Dale during the day, but it felt like the only way to not be suspicious, especially after their previous bedsharing. He really needed to say something. Three words shouldn’t be so hard. He just needed to look his best friend in the eye and say “Dale Cooper, I love you,” why was that so difficult? His desperation was getting worse, on the drive back to the station, he’d witnessed a very public display of affection between Bobby Briggs and Shelley Johnson and rather than just ignoring it or mentally wishing them well, all he could think was Cooper, Cooper, Cooper and just how much he wanted to hold Dale’s head between his hands and give him a time-stopping kiss. He purged the thought from his mind, pledging that until the clock hit 5 pm he was to only think of work. His troubles could wait until then. 

“Sheriff Truman!” Lucy called out to him as he walked through the door. 

“Yes, Lucy?” 

“Maggie Lanterman came to see you, you know,  _ the Log Lady _ ,” she paused and rustled through her papers, “she told me to keep a message for you…Here it is.” Lucy held it up. Harry walked over to her desk and took it. 

“My log knows your truth Sheriff Truman, do not be afraid.” He read it in a whisper. 

“Weird right? I hope you can work it out.” Lucy said with her breezy tone and cheery smile. 

“Thank you, Lucy,” Harry replied before he entered his office. He had one big question _ ,  _ how the fuck does the log know? 

Harry drove home, certain that he was to finally reveal to Dale what was going on. He still couldn’t get over how a LOG found out before Dale himself, sure it was a psychic log, but it felt unfair. 

Once home he took a large breath and psyched himself up as he walked through the door and found Dale. 

“Dale,” He used his first name, to show he was serious. “I’ve got something I need to tell you.”

“So do I, Harry.” Dale looked ecstatic; he had that wonderous look in his eyes that just added to his boyish charm. 

“You say yours first,” Harry said to be polite. It gave him a bit more time to prepare himself anyway. 

“I’ve been called back to Pittsburgh, Gordon’s got a case for me.” 

“That’s great.” Harry croaked and paused. “Wait, you’re moving back?”

“No, no. I love Twin Peaks more than anything. Nothing Gordon to do would make me leave, not enough trees up there…and, I’d miss you too much Harry. I’ll just stay until the case is solved.”

“That’s what you said about Laura Palmer.” Harry couldn’t look at him. 

“I couldn’t have expected how much Twin Peaks would come to mean to me. This is my home. I’m coming back, Harry.” 

“I believe you.”

“Thank you. What were you going to say?” 

Dale looked too happy to be brought down by the reality of things, “I forgot.” 

“That’s too bad.” Dale clasped his shoulder. “I’m so excited to get back to work, let’s celebrate.” 

Harry took two beers from the fridge and passed one to Dale. It hurt that he was going, that he'd have to hold onto his secret a little longer but seeing Dale this radiant and carefree made Harry extremely happy. He was content to spend the night drinking to his friend's success; his confession could wait until Dale returned home.

After that drink, they each had another, and the cycle continued. Dale's previous resentment towards alcohol was fading, Harry would protect him, and he was allowed to have a good night. As he became more intoxicated he couldn't stop touching Harry. He was normally a very affectionate person, yet this was different. It wasn't touching out of habit or as support, it was a necessity for Dale to have something touching Harry at every moment, whether it was their knees touching or his hand hovering onto Harry's shoulder, something was always touching.

Dale couldn't remember when Harry capped him. He remembered Harry, with a dear and loving smile, taking the empty bottle he’d been nursing from his grip and then Harry’s warmth as he carried Dale to bed. He placed him under the covers and the two just stared at each other.

“Harry. Stay with me,” Dale said desperately, even under the influence his voice sounded composed and professional.

“Not tonight,” There was solemn sound to Harry’s voice, his gaze was tinged with sorrow. “It wouldn’t be fair to you.” Harry switched the light off and walked to the couch to sleep.

A week later Dale was picked up from the station by an FBI escort. He promised Harry he’d stay in touch and that they’d talk on the phone. Harry doubted the truth in his oath, he knew Dale would get focused on the case, that’s what made him a good agent. Before Dale left, they shared a deep embrace, a hug that they both shrugged off to just be brotherly. Dale waved from the car window, sending off Harry and Twin Peaks with euphoria blazing across his face.

When Harry arrived home, he felt a strong sense of loneliness, it wasn’t the same without Dale’s presence. He'd spent moments alone and he already longing for his return. 

"That case better be easy to crack." He mumbled, settling onto the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nothing gay about celebrating a job prospect with the homies - harry s truman probably.   
> really enjoyed going deeper into the story here and hoped you did too! couldn't resist adding some references to my favourite twin peaks characters hehe


	3. iii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a bit short and overdue, its basically 'the return' for this fic. anyway i hope you enjoy this conclusion :) thanks to everyone for reading!!

Dale’s case dragged, it was harder to crack than he anticipated, especially since he’d been away from the bureau for a while. Gordon had assigned him to a drug bust, a grizzly case like murder wouldn’t fair well on his mental health and he wanted Dale to adjust slowly. Things weren’t clicking the same way for him and it was harder to connect to the case overall. He cared about finding the truth, that always mattered to Dale, but Pittsburgh wasn’t Twin Peaks. It wasn’t home. He missed everything about it, the trees, the community spirit, how deeply everyone cared for the case, there wasn't that same involvement in the city. Most of all he missed Harry, his company was delightful, and comforting even if they weren't talking. Dale could cope with being alone, but he hated being without Harry. He couldn't wait to return to the town. 

Harry felt Dale’s absence deeply. Every day that he was away longer he began to miss him more, he didn’t know he was even capable of missing someone that much, every day he thought he reached his limit. Dale called, not as much as he said he would, Harry didn’t hate him for this, he knew Dale would be busy with FBI work, and he’d rather Dale focus on the case, there were lives at stake. Yet he wanted Dale back in his life and not just over the phone. He’d been spending more out, his house was suffocating with Dale and he’d just be reminded his friend was away whenever he was there, he was working later hours, dining out often and frequenting the Roadhouse. Dale’s calls were sporadic, they came whenever he had a free moment. When Dale hadn’t called all day, Harry just assumed that they would go without communication.

Harry’s phone rang, it was coming up to 11 pm, late for Dale.  
“Hello?” He answered cautiously, at this hour it could be anyone.  
“Harry it’s me,” Dale said, his positive tone evident through the speaker.  
“Hi, Coop.” A smile spread across his face, “it’s pretty late.”  
“I know. I’m sorry I couldn’t make time for you today.”  
“It’s okay, you’re doing important work.”  
“That’s the thing, we’ve almost closed it.” A sigh of relief came from Harry. “I’ll be back in Twin Peaks before the week is out.” It was Monday, which was still a while.  
“That’s great!” Harry replied with genuine joy in his voice. “I’ve missed you.”  
“I’ve missed you too Harry.” Harry savoured his softness. He could hear Dale’s breath on the other side of the line, a reminder that he was real, that he was talking to Dale in real-time.  
“I should go to sleep,” Dale announced sadly. “Busy day. Goodnight Harry.”  
“Night Cooper.” Harry hung up the phone and sat down on his couch. He was happy.

  
Dale was right, the case was closed on Thursday. Finally, he was coming home. He was returning more himself, working made him feel like a real person, and gave him something else to focus on. He drove into Twin Peaks with a large smile on his face, recalling his arrival on February 24th, he didn’t know how horrible things would get when he first came to the town, but he didn’t know how good things would either. He couldn’t have known he’d want to spend the rest of his life there on that first morning or know that he’d want to share it with the Sheriff he’d met with. His absence from Harry made him even more sure that he wanted to confess to him. Those lonely nights spent in motels were made incredible by Harry’s voice coming through the phone, Dale knew that that the very large risk of refusal was well worth it for the slim possibility that Harry felt the same.

  
He pulled into Harry’s driveway, feeling as if he was home. Dale remained in the driver’s seat, taking a moment to just breathe. He knew he was taking a risk, but he’d taken a lot of risks in Twin Peaks. If he could survive being possessed, he could handle being rejected. With courage in his heart, he left the car and knocked on Harry’s door.  
Harry opened almost immediately, with an eager smile across his face. He blossomed with joy as he gripped Dale in an unabashed hug.  
“I’ve really missed you.” He said into Dale’s shoulder. There was a sense of shame in his admittance, it was such a tender and loving statement, tinged with the devotion Harry truly felt, confessing such a thing embarrassed him, and he was unsure for how any further admittance was going to proceed.  
“I’ve missed you too Harry.” Dale retracted from the embrace, grinning widely. His nerves were getting the better of him though, worry seeped into his expression. “I need to tell you something.” Harry straightened up.  
“So, do I, I’ve actually wanted to tell you it for a while…” Harry’s eyes were darting around.  
“Harry you put me at a loss for words.” Dale lightly shook his head. “I’ve been hiding this inside me since I’ve known you, and I just don’t know how to say it.”  
“I really hope we’re hiding the same thing.” Harry chimed in.  
“I doubt we are.” Dale looked at him, sadness in his eyes. Harry’s memorised speech was out the window, he placed his hands on Dale’s face and kissed him. It was chaste at first, their lips pressed together with a boyish passion, Harry parted his lips and pulled Dale closer, after so much time apart all he wanted was to intertwine himself with Dale.  
As they parted worry crossed Harry’s face, even after a kiss that good he still fretted, “So, the same thing?”  
“Same thing.” Dale smiled and drew him back for another kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! this is still a work in progress so chapters will come as i write it. my tumblr is: riverplato btw


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